what's it all for?

It's not fair at all, life, love, loyalty. Life Hurt's some of us far deeper than other's and we deal with it differently. People will do or say things that are directed purposely at things that hurt us where nobody else can see and this particular thing is what effects me. Especially when the person inflicting it is usually someone who shouldn't ever want to hurt you like that. I can't fathom why And it's broken my heart one to  many times now.

Most of my life Most of my life has been spent trying to shrink myself, trying to become smaller, Quieter, less sensitive, less opinionated, less needy, less me. Because I didn't want to be a burden. I didn't want to be too much or push people away. I wanted people to like me, I wanted to be cared for and valued. I wanted to be wanted so much for years. I sacrificed myself for the sake of making other people happy. And for years I suffered. But I'm tired of suffering and I'm done shrinking! It's not my job to change who I am in order to be one someone else's idea of a worthwhile human being. I am worthwhile. Not because their people think I am, but because I EXIST! and therefore I matter. My thoughts matter, my feelings matter, my voice matters and with or without anyone's permission or approval I will continue to be who I am and speak the truth even if it makes people angry. Even if it makes them uncomfortable, even if they choose to le...

OK so I went through my google photo and shoebox photos and found copies of text's from Mia's father that were extremely nasty, unfounded and alcohol affected every day.  Once mia came along that was it if he did fuck it up again,see ya fucker. He did it almost straight away. I remember the emotion of it then and still do now because I read utter lies about the type of person I was. People believe the rubbish let them not one of the chatterbox shit cunts was with me then and not one is here now. If people want to ask about my private life ask me, spineless is all those types are 

No matter how far you have travelled in the wrong direction, you can always turn around!   This is raw, real and necessary. This is the kind of shit you need to do when it's time to dump toxic energy that has been swimming around inside you for far too long. I know we never talk about the pain and that's ok. We don't need to. There's no point in rehashing all the shit that happened or what YOU did. How I felt then is very different from how I feel now.

Hi, Check out my Complete Numerology result below. Your Name Initials N - Your extroverted nature wins you new friends. E - Ingenuity is your strength. W - You are gregarious and have many friends. You can also get your Complete Numerology Profile with this totally free Android app: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.internetdesignzone.numerology

Hi, Check out my Complete Numerology result below. Your Hidden Talents You are organized and solid. People see you as the rock on which they can lean. You have the skill to make order out of chaos and your biggest skills are the most practical. You are wise and calm and a gentle soul. You are a great stabilizer, and your greatest goal in life is to make a happy environment for those around you. You can also get your Complete Numerology Profile with this totally free Android app: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.internetdesignzone.numerology

Ruling Number 5 - The planet Mercury governs this number and those born under it are shrewd, mentally alert, industrious, diplomatic, intuitive and have sharp business acumen and a scientific temper. You are naturally attracted to people born between September 21 and October 20, between January 21 and February 20. You also have an affinity for those governed by the numbers 1, 5, 7 and 8. Number 5 is associated with business so you should enjoy great material success. You are shrewd and industrious and you should be able to build up a successful career for yourself. You are active and quick and agile, both physically and mentally. You are a good orator and are able to express yourself eloquently. You are self-motivated and have the ability to take your plans to their logical conclusion. You are deeply entrenched in family life and will cherish your children. Everything you do is characterised by speed, efficiency and determination. You like travelling and love change all the time. Yo...

Lucy Ann Carr Whiteford (1833 - 1923) - Find A Grave Memorial Birth:  Sep. 29, 1833, England Death:  1923 Wentworth Shire New South Wales, Australia Family links:  Parents:    Vince Carr (1803 - 1889)    Sarah Ann  Sweetnam  Carr (1809 - 1868)  Spouse:    William George Whiteford (1833 - 1917)  Siblings:    Vince Carr (1827 - 1898) *    Sarah Ann  Carr  Richens (1831 - 1880) *    Lucy Ann  Carr  Whiteford (1833 - 1923)    Henry Carr (1835 - 1913) *    Eliza Ann  Carr  Gregory (1848 - 1935) *    George Edward Carr (1852 - 1931) * * Calculated relationship   Burial: Rookwood Necropolis Rookwood Cumberland Council New South Wales, Australia Plot: Area: Zone A, Section: Old Ground Ext, Grave: 4298 Created by:  Sharon Rudd Record added: Sep 01, 2016 Find A Grave Memorial# 169196365

When he died he took happiness with him. Whatever happiness I've found since is taken by people who promised to protect my broken heart

My anxiety is through the roof, its been non stop all week. I'm totally wrecked, constantly thinking about  what's already transpired, what needs to still unfold and what's been discovered by me. I don't think some people really fathom what their incorrect assumptions have actually done to the person your nasty assumptions are about.. I'll be absolutely fucked if I'll allow another asshole attempt to berate me and claim I'm so selfish or I'm ruined and refuse to accept my blame in my bad decisions that have brought about life ruining events for me. I've gotten on with trying to rectify what's already transpired. Without Bothering to request any assistance from anyone now. My head isn't up my ass I'm not crying and looking for pity if I hadn't made the decision to help out putrid people, my circumstance would be entirely different now. But after failing to allow any nasty person to win now after ,34 years of making sure that the...

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Comment In The Arms Of The Angel Lyrics Spend all your time waiting For that second chance For a break that would make it okay There's always some reason To feel not good enough And it's hard at the end of the day I need some distraction Or a beautiful release Memories seep from my veins Let me be empty Oh and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight In the arms of the angel Fly away from here From this dark cold hotel room And the endlessness that you fear You are pulled from the wreckage Of your silent reverie You're in the arms of the angel May you find some comfort here So tired of the straight line And everywhere you turn There's vultures and thieves at your back The storm keeps on twisting Keep on building the lies That you make up for all that you lack It don't make no difference Escaping one last time It's easier to believe In this sweet madness Oh this glorious sadness That brings me to my knees In t...

Chester may you be at peace. I was so close to joining you two days ago

The need to be nasty has never sat within me very well and I make every effort to ensure that people cannot put me in a postion that could essentially change my life again, and I would assume, something I rarely do, that the change would be for the worst, usually it is. All I've craved since returning is to feel safe and loved which shouldn't be too much to ask of my family and friends but again I assumed and that ensured I got fucked again. Peace and happiness are emotions just like rage and hatred neither ever lasts emotions are forever changing  

It's official we are homeless and have no where to go. All these years I've never thought about helping other people its just been natural to me. If i see someone that isn't having the best time and I'm able to help than without thinking that's what i do help. Do i expect anything in return? NEVER. If anything i would think that you become my friend and if one day i needed you IE to phone up and talk to, that i would be blessed to have you to turn to. I would give my friends anything. I have given my friends everything i have, a place to live, food to eat, clothes to wear. I've given them my time and energy, they have had a 100% of me when they have needed it. Never expecting anything in return.  Throughout the years I've called upon my friends a handful of times and more times than i care to remember I've gone unanswered or been given the i wish i could help but i cant. I have always thought that my problems have no answer no fix there for I've ...

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